You Don't Want To Have Friends, You Want To Have Friends In A Movie

I thought for a long time on this. 

I wanted to start this series with a bang, something that proves to myself that I can be brave when I write. 

And this is the most relevant thing going on in my current stage of life, so it seemed that I must start here. 

The problem came when I sat down to write and I couldn't figure out how to write on friendships without my words being full of things I didn't want. I started and stopped and started again writing this a number of times, but every time it wasn't what I wanted and wasn't without anger or bitterness. 

In frustration, I went to Pinterest in the hopes of calming down a little. I found myself going to one of my Boards called Clever Words. As I looked through all these words, I found so many that I had forgotten about and so many relevant to everything I am feeling these days because of friendships. So I present these words here. 

"Don't judge me because I sin differently than you."

I am different than you. And you are different than me. You might not understand my sins, and I might not understand yours. 

But heaven forbid we allow that to keep us from loving each other well. 

I want to be the kind of friend who will try to understand you, but even when I don't, still sit with you and hold your hand in your struggles. And I want you to be that kind of friend to me. 

We're all messed up, man. Can't we help each other, even when we don't understand each other? 

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them." 

I must confess something: I have often found myself letting friendships go or just backing away because I see that I am more invested or love the person better than I think they love me. 

I have this thing in me that makes me latch onto something and be crazy passionate about it to the extreme, or not care about something at all to the extreme. I don't deal very well in grays or middle ground; I am all or nothing. And so often I expect my friends to be like this as well. 

I don't do casual friendships very well. I want to be your best friend and I want you to call me all the time and ask me to hang out and I want you to be closer to me than any of your other friends. And when that doesn't happen, when I see that I consider you my best friend but you don't consider me yours, I don't know how to handle this. 

"Be willing to go alone sometimes. You don't need permission to grow. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that's okay." 

I think when my dad retired from the military, I thought my friendships would be a lot different. I thought finally I would have friends and keep them for the rest of my life. I thought I would never have to say goodbye to another friend again. 

I am learning when it is okay to let a friend go and when it is okay to fight for a friendship and when it is okay to say I did everything I could and let them go because it's what they want. 

This is hard for me. And it means that sometimes I am lonely and grieving friendships. But this is a part of life sometimes, no matter how much it sucks. 

"Do no harm but take no shit." 

I want to tattoo this phrase to my hand so that I can remind myself of it every single day. 

I am a recovering pushover. 

Which means sometimes when I feel myself slipping back into the old patterns, when I start thinking things like, "Well, they're my friend, so I guess it's okay for them to treat me like this," or "Well, they're my friend so I guess it's okay to engage in this activity even though I know it's wrong for me," sometimes I lash out in anger as a self defense mechanism. 

I am still learning how to love people in such a way that when I say no, it is a loving sound and not an angry one. 

"I realize why you're not my cup of tea. I drink coffee." 

I am learning that it is okay to not like someone. It's okay to never get past casual acquaintance. Sometimes it's healthier and better that way. 

As long as I can do it in a way that is not hurtful. 

Because I have that addictive personality type, I tend to jump into friendships headfirst and go crazy about someone right away. And then sometimes I've learned shortly after that they're tea and not coffee, but I've already invested, so any breaking away is going to be hurtful. 

I am trying to learn to be patient with my friendships, to see if someone really should be in my inner circle. It's fine if they shouldn't be; it doesn't make them or me any less of a person. It just means we should smile at each other from a distance. 

"Forgive them even if they're not sorry." 

This is a big one for me right now. 

I am a talker. I get it from my mother. We don't do well with bottling up our emotions; we want to talk it out. 

I am learning that sometimes you don't get a reconciliation scene like in the movies. Sometimes you just have to go on with your life knowing you hurt someone or they hurt you and never talking to them again. 

I am currently in a scenario like this right now, and I would give anything to have an intervention of sorts and just talk things out with a few people, even if that involves yelling or crying. But I'm not going to get this, and that's hart for me to come to terms with. It leaves me with a lot of anger and bitterness inside that is hard to get rid of. 

Realizing that I'm not going to get this moment with this person and these people means that I will have to forgive them and move on on my own, I will have to forgive them without accepting an apology. 

God that is tough. 

But I know that it must be done in order for me to get through this anger and bitterness. 

"Not everyone has to like you. Not everyone has taste." 

This one cracked me up when I first read it. I thought about this phrase for a few days after I first read it. And I came to the conclusion that it is another one of those phrases I want to tattoo on my hand. 

Just because someone doesn't like me doesn't mean I'm not cool. 

Just because someone doesn't like me doesn't mean I'm not cool. 

Just because someone doesn't like doesn't mean I'm not cool. 

You know what, I am awesome. 

I have a stupid sense of humour and sometimes can say something that makes the entire room start laughing. 

I am generous with my love. 

I am beautiful. I may not look like a super model and I may eat too much Taco Bell and french fries, but my smile can make you smile. 

And if you don't like me, well, that's okay. I think you're an idiot because I'm awesome, but that's your choice. 

Let's be friends.