"That song has emotions in it. Weird."

I love people who are in love with what they do. 

I had a conversation with my friend Bo The Trolley Driver the other day.  We talked about people who get stuck in their own lives and can't find a way to be happy in it.  I told him that I never wanted to get that way. 

I'm not dumb enough to think I'll get everything I want, or even anything I want.  I'm not dumb enough to even think I'll be half the things I think I want to end up being.

But I would like to know that I made the conscious choice to decide to do what I am happy in doing in everything.

My friend Kelsie and I had this great conversation two weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it, which goes to show how great a conversation it was.  She told me she picked the guy she is engaged to and she knows that it was her decision to marry him or not or be happy with him or not and she decided for herself what was right for her.

I want to know that even if I'm poor and living in a not-so-great apartment and don't have everything easy but I'm writing or doing what I decided was right for me, I'd be happy.  I want to know that even if I had to give up some of my own dreams because I met someone who cared enough to spend his life sharing it with me and make a worthwhile life with me, I'd be happy because it was my decision to give up to gain with him. I want to know that if I spent my life somehow changing the lives of others and that means I have to be alone, I'd be happy because I made the decision. 

 I don't want to feel stuck in my own life.  That is just pathetic.  And I think I've decided not to be pathetic.

I think Sherlock is proud of me for that.

Why you usin' them big words?

Why is it a sin to combine entertainment and education?

My reaction as well.

I was forced to take this really miserable class last year where, for a large portion of the class, we talked about the horrible dangers of television and how dare we show television to our children and Sesame Street is evil because it makes children think their teacher in school will be Big Bird (this is a direct quote from the book) and lots of other just wonderful things like this.

Moriarty is summing up my feelings for me.

I considered burning this book after I was forced to read it. I thought I would never have to deal with such stupidity again.

I was wrong.

I was alerted to attention in a class this morning when a professor spent his entire lecture talking both about this book and the evils of showing television to young children.

I really wanted to just stand up and walk out of class.

I have walked out of a class three times before in my life.  Once because a good friend of mine had died the day before and it was too much listening to him being talked about so casually during class. Once because a professor spoke very derogatory towards a film that is very close to my heart and when I said that I felt the film wasn't about what she was saying, but instead about seeing the potential in everyone and choosing to love instead of hate out of fear, she told me in very rude words that I was wrong and that my opinion didn't matter to her. And once because a professor who refused to call us by our names but instead called us by assigned numbers said we were all going to fail his class and he was glad because we were dumb seeing as how we had asked for a study guide.

Back to this class.

The evils of television make no sense to me.  And because I had heard this opinion and think it's unintelligent, I had no desire to hear it again.  So instead of sitting there and fuming, I just tuned out the professor and wrote out my own opinion. And this is what I said:

Why is a sin to combine entertainment and education?  If we combined them, maybe kids wouldn't be able to think of one without the other.  And that sounds like a good thing to me.

Maybe if we had children watching "The Magic School Bus" and "Reading Rainbow", we wouldn't have to worry about what our children were putting into their minds so much.

Children aren't as dumb as we make them out to be.  They know what's up and how things work.  Maybe they'll be disappointed Mrs. Frizzo isn't their school teacher, but at least they'll be more intelligent than the kids watching "Family Guy" and "America's Funniest Home Videos".

More to the point, why are we blaming children for their ignorance?  Let's blame the idiotic parents instead who should use protection or get their tubes tied if they don't know how to raise a child appropriately.

Behind every fat child is an obese parent. And beauty is ugly when it's dumb.

If we're going to be dumb enough to blame the media for all of our children's problems, let's just blindfold and close the ears of all children and never let them leave the house.  Or better yet, let's just not have kids anymore.  There are enough dumb people on the planet - if we're going to just keep producing stupid people, let's just stop breeding.

The most unintelligent thing we could think is that intelligence is something we just deserve.  It's something we earn and something we strive to achieve.  Intelligence is not something you get when you're born, but hopefully it's something you have when you die.

While she might laugh and deny it, my mother had an unspoken rule that we only watched television shows growing up that were educational.

I might be strange and a little socially awkward, but I like to think I have a descent amount of intelligence now.

"Do you really not know the earth goes aroud the sun?"

Fact: I've been in love with Sherlock Holmes since I was 14.

Truth: BBC does everything better, including interpret A. C. Doyle's Sherlock. 

Mystery:  Why Benedict Cumberbatch and I aren't best friends.

I'm so proud of BBC for putting little things in their movies that are snippets of Doyle's work that only nerdy Sherlockians like myself would catch, such as Sherlock not knowing that the earth goes around the sun. 
His reasons for not knowing this is that it is useless.  And at first I agreed with John that Sherlock should know this.  After all, it's an important fact.  Right? 

But he's right.  How is this important?  If we went around the moon, would we notice a difference?  Well maybe it is important to know this, but it seems more important to know other things. 
Such as - I'd rather Sherlock know how to show mercy and love than to know about the solar system.  You can't really change and make a person's life better by telling them we go around the sun, but you can if you love them.

I think that's why I love Doyle's Sherlock.  He learns to love as the stories continue.  While BBC doesn't show this, at least in the first three episodes, Doyle shows it well.  Even Sherlock, in his age and wisdom, realizes that going through life merciless and loveless is meaningless.

Maybe that's why I love him so much.  He teaches me, in some odd sort of way, the importance of love.

"Revenge is for suckers."

So many things to love in the new year.

Benedict Cumberbatch playing Sherlock Holmes.  Or just Sherlock Holmes.  Or just Benedict, for that matter.

Finding fantastic movies at FYE for so cheap because they are "intelligent" and "old" and nobody likes those things.

 
Having a friend to defeat the big monsters for you when you play video games because you like the "boring" parts of the game and just want to knit and watch your friend beast it for you during the hard parts.

Thinking that you must just have an odd taste in music until your friend plugs in his iPod and says these magic words: "Do you like Big Band?"

Having a family that can't get through a conversation without a What's That From moment.

Having a job that makes you want to strangle staff writers, pull your own hair out and shoot yourself in the foot every other week, but realizing that without said job, you would have never met the best friends you'll ever have.  And for some odd reason, these friends think you're cool.

Bonding with your housemate through random television shows that you pretend is real life and posting five hundred pictures of attractive men on their Facebook every single day.

People surviving cancer.

Flying by yourself and becoming an adult.

Wanting to keep smiling.

Did I mention Sherlock Holmes?

No?  I haven't mentioned him yet? 

Strange.  Well, I'll just slip in a little mention of him now.

There.  That's better.

"You're a lady to me."

As I'm sitting here doing homework (sidenote: on Thanksgiving break...) my family is watching this BBC PBS Masterpiece Theatre show.  I'm not sure what it's called, but it's entertaining, seeing as how I only look up every few minutes and catching bits and pieces of it.

The parts that I keep catching are the romantic parts.  And they are incredibly sweet, let me tell you.  People back in the 1800 and early 1900s knew what romance was.

I wish we still knew what romance was.  It's practically a dead art.

I sure wish it wasn't, though. 

All the boys I've gone with are proof that romance is a dead art.

Maybe that's why I'm still single.    I'm holding out for someone who wants to bring it back to life.

We'll see if anyone tries.

"Now you know I can't smile without you."

I never thought it would be so hard to write a play.

I'm working on a project for my Rhetoric And Writers class, and we were given the opportunity to write in any format we wished, saying really anything we wished rhetorically.  Stupidly, I thought this was a great opportunity to try writing a play.  I've always wanted to, so I figured I would just go for it.

I forgot to look before I jumped.

Maybe it's not even the play format itself, but the content that's bothering me.

I decided I would write about a priest who is young and fresh, but already tired.  He is beginning to think of his relationship with God as more of a dutiful marriage that he is committed to instead of the fiery passion he once had.  A young nameless woman comes to confessional one day and tells the priest that she is dying and is scared.  Through conversation, the priest realizes that this woman has a passion for God beyond belief, but has let her passion go so far that she can't work out her own death. 

I was proud of this story when it first came.  Now I just want to be done with it.

But I can't stop.  Even if my story is crap, it's become a symbol to me now.  I feel like I quit when things get old, I can't quit this.

I think I have a problem attaching symbolism and metaphors to everything I do.

In other news, keep calm cause Neville got sexy.

Four Years Of Silence Is Still Hurtful

You'd think that as much as I've moved and changed and altered life, I'd be used to loosing friends and making new ones and letting things go.

Nearly 22 years and I'm still bad at letting people go.

Some days it's fine and the people I used to know but life has happened or we've gotten into fights we couldn't work our way out of or other friends have gotten in the way or business has gotten in the way or we just don't acknowledge each other's presence anymore and we both look straight ahead when we pass each other, some days these failed relationships are alright.

Some days I look back on all the people that have come in and out of my life - or maybe I've come in and out of theirs - and I can just smile and fondly remember when we were happy and life was good with them.

But then some days, days like today when I have my iPod on repeat one for hours on end and the sun goes down far too quickly and I've been alone for awhile, these days it's not okay.

It's not okay that I didn't fight harder for some friendships.  It's not okay that they didn't fight hard enough for me.  It's not okay that they just decided to move on to "bigger and better things" and leave me behind.  It's not okay that by sticking up for what is right for me means that we can no longer be friends.  It's not okay that you just suddenly and without warning stopped talking to me. 

It's not okay that our friendship is reduced to silence. 

I know that it's just life and sometimes people fade in and out and sometimes you just loose contact with people.  I know this.  I really do know this better than some.

But how is it that sometimes people can just stop loving each other?

How can people who love Jesus just stop loving each other?  This is probably a very naive sentence, but it has been playing over and over in this old head for several days now. 

If we really want to be like Jesus, if I fervently pray that I will become less and less of myself and more and more of Jesus, then why are the people around me not overcome with love from me?

I started this with every intention of venting some frustrations out about a few people I have apparently lost over the years and months and weeks and even days.
But I understand that if I want the life around me to change, I need to start with the change inside of myself.

In between the silence, I'll be fervent in asking for Jesus' love.  And maybe one day when I see you again, sweet old friend, my smile will reflect Jesus and you will realize that you didn't loose me as a friend, you lost the reflection of Jesus in me.

Until then, I'll sit in the silence and love you, friend.