What I
believe: Love is an automatic emotion.
What else I
believe: Being in love is a choice.
I’m far from
a wise, old owl, but I have been around long enough to have made this
distinction for my life.
I used to
think – like most giggly girls who have watched too many sappy movies – that
one fell into being in love when one met The Right Man.
Three failed
relationships and a long string of maybes later, and I realized how false that
is, at least for me in my life.
There are
quite a few people currently in my life that I love, and love dearly. Some
friendships that I’ve developed are crazy to me, mostly because our
personalities are so different, but I love these friendships even more because
I learn so much from them.
In these
cases, while I might have chosen to start the friendship or pursue their
friendship, I never made a conscious decision to love them.
I can think
of one friendship I have in particular where I clearly remember saying to
myself, “I want to pursue this person. It will take effort because we are
worlds different, but I have a feeling this will be worthwhile.”
A few months
later, after establishing and building a solid friendship, I remember looking
at this person one night and saying to myself, “I love this person. I truly,
humbly love this individual in front of me. How did that happen?”
There have been
times along the way in this friendship where this person has acted in a way
that pushes my buttons, or they have taken a path I question, but that has not
lessened my genuine love for them.
Maybe my like
for them, but not my love.
The funny
thin is, it would take a tremendous amount of effort for me to stop loving
them, if I ever could.
I used to be
extremely close friends with a particular individual when I was in college, and
I held a ridiculous amount of love for them. Probably too much.
Then life
happened, things changed, emotions shifted, and over the span of time, we lost
the friendship.
I spent a
good while being devastated, trying to win the friendship back. Then I spent a
time being angry, so, so angry. Then I spent a good long chunk of time just
being apathetic.
Not that long
ago, I ran into this person again, after having not seen them for several
years. It did not go as I hoped, and I was left feeling bitter and dumb.
I spent
awhile this way, trying not to think of this person because I couldn’t shake
the bitterness.
A few weeks
ago, I saw this person again. I avoided conversing with them because there was
nothing left for either of us to say, and I knew that. But the moment I made
eye contact with them, the bitterness welled up in me like vomit, and for a few
moments, I thought I really was going to be sick.
It hit me
hard why: I still loved this person. After months of sadness and anger and
years of apathy, I still had love for them. And probably always will.
I can’t
control love. At least not easily.
But go back
to that second truth for me: Being in love, romantic love, is a choice.
At least I have made it so for me.
For me, I
have decided to make this truth because it is how I differentiate.
I have been
self-conscious around members of the opposite gender for a few years. I know
that I show I care about you through touch (hugs, pats, close proximity, et
cetera) and I know how that can look. I also know that when I enjoy your
company, I am jealous for it and crave it. This is true in my relationships
with boys and girls, but rarely have I ever had a girl take this in the
wrong way.
I love my guy
friends. And because I consider the guy I am currently dating as a friend – as
well as something more – I love him, too. Just like the guys I love that I do
not See Romantically.
What then is
the difference?
If I cannot
help but love him because he is my friend and I automatically love all my
friends, what is special about our relationship?
If I were one
day to get married to someone, how would my love for my husband be different?
Do I just say that I love my husband more than others?
I don’t do
well with levels. I am too passionate for that.
I have this
attribute that is akin to addictive personality: I passionately, hardcore love
things. And then when I don’t, I just don’t. I don’t know how to do middle
ground.
So I can’t
just say I love something, someone, more. I have to have another love for them
in order for it to be different.
I will have
to choose to have a second love for my spouse.
I firmly
believe that in order for me to ever have a healthy marriage, several things
must occur in my mind and heart:
I. I have a
firm and steady friendship with him so that I always love him, even when he
drives me bonkers.
II. I choose
to be in love with him every single morning when I wake up. I choose to be with
him – physically, emotionally, mentally – every single day, and no one else.
III. I choose
to let him love and be in love with me.
Funny how I’m
pretty sure something’s true in my life, and then I write it out and realize
how one hundred percent true it really is.
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