Nearly 22 years and I'm still bad at letting people go.
Some days it's fine and the people I used to know but life has happened or we've gotten into fights we couldn't work our way out of or other friends have gotten in the way or business has gotten in the way or we just don't acknowledge each other's presence anymore and we both look straight ahead when we pass each other, some days these failed relationships are alright.
Some days I look back on all the people that have come in and out of my life - or maybe I've come in and out of theirs - and I can just smile and fondly remember when we were happy and life was good with them.
But then some days, days like today when I have my iPod on repeat one for hours on end and the sun goes down far too quickly and I've been alone for awhile, these days it's not okay.
It's not okay that I didn't fight harder for some friendships. It's not okay that they didn't fight hard enough for me. It's not okay that they just decided to move on to "bigger and better things" and leave me behind. It's not okay that by sticking up for what is right for me means that we can no longer be friends. It's not okay that you just suddenly and without warning stopped talking to me.
It's not okay that our friendship is reduced to silence.
I know that it's just life and sometimes people fade in and out and sometimes you just loose contact with people. I know this. I really do know this better than some.
But how is it that sometimes people can just stop loving each other?
How can people who love Jesus just stop loving each other? This is probably a very naive sentence, but it has been playing over and over in this old head for several days now.
If we really want to be like Jesus, if I fervently pray that I will become less and less of myself and more and more of Jesus, then why are the people around me not overcome with love from me?
I started this with every intention of venting some frustrations out about a few people I have apparently lost over the years and months and weeks and even days.
But I understand that if I want the life around me to change, I need to start with the change inside of myself.
In between the silence, I'll be fervent in asking for Jesus' love. And maybe one day when I see you again, sweet old friend, my smile will reflect Jesus and you will realize that you didn't loose me as a friend, you lost the reflection of Jesus in me.
Until then, I'll sit in the silence and love you, friend.
