Monday, April 27, 2015

For Now I Am Winter: A Phrase Stolen From Olafur Arnalds

Sometimes I don't know how to shut my brain down.




I came to terms awhile ago with the fact that I'm a hipster, and that includes in my mind. I think big and long and too much.

I've been pretty darn lucky to have a small group of people in life who not only accept this about me, but they kind of like it about me.

But I don't think even they quite know the extend of my never-ceasing brain.

I wish I could say that I was constantly thinking of how to see God in the world or how to cure cancer or homelessness or ways to evolve into a better person.

Most of the time, I'm just worrying.

Worrying that someone else I love will die in a car accident, or worrying that I'll never be used by God in the way I want, or worrying I'll be a bad aunt when my sister has her nine children and I'll play favourites, or worrying that my friends whom I love dearly will say, "Jk we hate you," or worrying that I'm not thin and beautiful with long curly locks, or worrying that I'm not prepared for a zombie apocalypse and do I have what it takes to shoot myself before a zombie eats me.

Hello, and welcome to the beyond crazy world of Meagan's Brain. The self-loathing is to the left, the self-pity is to the right, and the nonsensical worrying that never shuts up is straight ahead.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Heaven Forbid We Talk About Times Of Doubt

How come Christians feel they aren't allowed to have times of doubt? 

I'm just wondering. 

We're allowed to have times of joy and joyfulness, and times of sorrow and sadness, and times of pain, and times of prosperity. 

But Heaven forbid we have times, or at least talk about the times when we have doubt. 

Here's what I've come to grips with the past month: 

Just because I might be struggling with doubt doesn't mean I'm not still God's child. 

Just because I might have more than my fair share of "What if this is all just a bunch of baloney and God's not real and I'm wasting my time?" doesn't mean I am abandoning my Christianity. 

Just because I might scream and cry out to God because He feels so infinitely far away that it feels like maybe I made Him up doesn't mean He's not still the first thing I reach for or call Him my whole life. 

But I would never admit this in a room full of Christians. Because I know the murmurs would turn into, "We should pray for her salvation." 

We should talk about doubt more as Christians. 

I don't know about you, but I'd sure like that.