For example, the "don't tell me how different I am and how you like it, only to tell me later that the reason you're leaving me is because I'm just too different" one.
Or the classic "don't tell me about how you value my beliefs and morals, only to try hopelessly to get me to break them" one
Or how about the "don't tell me about how I shouldn't like you, I should like your best friend because you're nothing compared to him but you're so glad I like you instead, only to tell me later you want to quit talking to me because you think I like your friend more than you" one.
But I think I have a new favourite: "don't tell me about how you are thinking about turning into a jerk and a douchebag because you're a nice guy now but girls don't seem to want nice guys and you're desperate to meet a nice girl because that's the only thing that's going to keep you from turning into a jerk, only to then treat me like dirt because I'm not slutty enough when I'm actually a nice girl trying to simply be your friend and show you that nice girls do still exist."
Yeah, I think this is my new favourite.
Listen, child: If you want to be a douchebag, go right ahead. You're exactly right; you will get a girlfriend that way. Or at least a one-night stand. But you will never ever ever have any girl that compares to girls like me.
I'm not even bragging on myself right now; I know I can be a pretty terrible person sometimes. I know the only real and good thing about me is that I've given my life over to Someone Who can help me handle it a lot better than I ever could alone. I know that some days that decision is the only smart one I ever make. I know there are five million girls out there that are prettier and thinner and nicer and have better personalities than me.
But I also know I have gumption. And I'm not just going to sleep with you because I feel sorry for both of us.
This post is taking a bit of a different turn than I meant it to, but I need to get something out of my system:
Why on earth would I sleep with some guy I met because we're both lonely when I could wait and give my entire self to a man who had the decency and sound mind to make a life-long commitment to take care of me and have me take care of him?
Listen again, boy: I might be single for the rest of my life. Personally I like to think that I am far too much of a romantic for it just to be wasted so the reason I have all this romantic in me is because one day I'll actually get to use it. But maybe not.
Are you listening, boy? Here's the kicker. You need to listen real good to this part.
Maybe I'll be single for the rest of my life because I'm not sleeping around. But maybe you'll end up alone when you're 60 too, even though you slept around. Me sleeping around with random boys will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to improve my chances of getting a husband who will love me and consider me above himself in every aspect of his life.
One more kicker, child. This part's important too, so don't tune out on me quite yet.
If you treat me like a 1950's housewife now, how will it change if I were to go out and get drunk with you and sleep with you? Would sleeping with you improve my chances of getting you in a committed relationship with me?
Oh wait, one more thing. This one's probably the one you really need to hear the most.
Ready?
Here it is: Not every girl in the world wants to sleep with you, or even be with you. You need proof? Don't worry, I got your back. I want nothing to do with you. I've never wanted anything to do with you besides be your friend. Friend, kiddo. Not friend with benefits. Not friend you can get drunk with and hook up with. Friend.
Is that proof enough?
I'm not holier than thou. I just don't want to sleep with you.
Don't take it personally, kiddo. I don't want to sleep with anyone. I'm not married to anyone, so no.
I could be a witch with a b and say that if I did sleep around you would be at the bottom of the list, or say that you're not as good-looking or "nice" as you think you are, or say that don't you think there's probably a reason that the past three girls you've chased all shot you down, but I'm a bigger person than that, so I won't mention those things.
I used to wonder why I'm in love with fictional characters and romantic men in movies. And then I looked around at all the boys I'm surrounded by in the world, and got it.
I think I'm turning more and more into that crazy cat lady every day. But at least I have a solid imagination and a sound intelligence to keep me from getting too lonely.
Also, I have Netflix. And it has been keeping me company for the past week.
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