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I wanted to write a blog entry today.

And then I opened up a new post and literally could think of nothing to say.

It feels that way a lot lately.

I want to have things to say. I think of things to say at awkward times, or I know I have strong and reasonable opinions about things that I should let out at the proper times. I know discussion (or even blog posts) of important things or big picture things or deep things or silly things or entertainment things is, well, important. Discussing things out loud or on paper can make life seem worthwhile.

But most of the time lately I don't feel like I should say very much, that I should keep waiting in silence.

I should wait until I have my life together more before getting into deep discussion with people I meet, I think. I should wait until I have a little more experience under my belt.

I should wait to actively have a blog until I've done more life.

What does that even mean, I ask myself as I sit in a Starbucks for the umpeenth time job hunting and trying to figure out what to do when I grow up (which is apparently now).

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what most things mean, to be honest.

I don't know what it means to be an adult. I know things that make up adulthood - bills, learning how to do your taxes, getting the store brand of crackers and coffee because you're balancing your money, not drinking all night long because you have work at eight a.m. But I have no idea what it means to be an adult. Maybe that's because it means so many things to everyone, and I'm still learning what it means to me.

I don't know what it means to be a Christian. I know things that make up Christianity - a desire to serve God, having consistent conversation with Him, thinking of God first, people second, and yourself third, committing to the fact that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. But I have no idea what it means to be a Christian. Maybe that's because it means so many things to everyone, and it's a life-long journey and I firmly believe God doesn't expect us to have "Christianity" figured out the moment we give our life to Him, we just have to give our life to Him.

I don't know what it means to be a writer. I know things that make up being a writer - drinking copious amounts of black coffee (I'm becoming a coffee drinker the longer I write), having constant internal conversations with the characters and scenes going on in your head, feeling like you're going to explode if you don't get that thing out right that second, even if it's complete and utter crap, because revision sucks but it's how we make that crappy thing a full idea. But I have no idea what it means to be a writer. Maybe that's because it means so many things to everyone, and each writer will tell you their own crazy and well, just plain crazy methods they have of writing and revising and getting inspiration, whether that be staring at people in Starbucks until an idea strikes them, staying the shower until you come up with a new character, or watching entire seasons of tv shows in the hopes of latching on to some idea you can make your own.

Huh. I said I had nothing to say. But sometimes when I have nothing to say and I don't want to say anything is exactly when things come out the best.

Desperation can be ugly, but apparently it can also get me to write when all I want to do is curl up on my bed and watch Dean kill demons and ghosts until I forget we're not best friends in real life.