I Want You To Know That I Have Panic Attacks

I didn't want to tell anyone about my panic attacks for a long time.

I still remember the embarrassment I felt after I had my first attack. I had it one night while watching The Office with my then-boyfriend-now-husband.

Those are two of my favorite things on this planet. That's how I knew what was happening to me was real.

I didn't have words for what was happening to me the first time it happened.

I remember we were watching an episode where Nellie was a big focus, and she was being extremely awkward borderline unfunny and uncomfortable, as Nellie usually does. I get pretty extreme second-hand embarrassment when I watch tv shows or movies where characters are being dumb, so I thought that was all I was feeling.

But then the scene changed and Nellie was actually being kind of funny and the episode was ending on a high note. But I still felt some kind of strong weird.

I remember hardly being able to focus on the next episode, I was so wrapped up in this feeling. I tried to shrug it off first as the second-hand embarrassment, but when that didn't work, I tried to rationalize it somehow, saying it had been a long day, long week, I had been really stressed at work that day, maybe I was annoyed at Robert for some stupid reason.

I think I went through everything in my life in the span of two minutes trying to put the blame on something for this feeling.

But that just made it worse.

Not being able to identify the feeling just made the feeling explode. I was so wrapped up in identifying what I was feeling that at first I didn't notice that my breathing had started to increase.

I remember Robert pausing the show, I remember his voice, not the words he said, because truly it sounded like he was the teacher from Charlie Brown. I remember trying to find a position where I could regain control of my body, because I realized frantically that I had lost all control of myself.

I remember wondering if I was dying.

That feeling of wondering if I was dying is a feeling I've felt a lot since that night.

Because I couldn't put it to words, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what these "episodes" were. I researched a lot, watched a lot of videos, and talked to Robert about it.

No one else, though. I was far too embarrassed.

After I'd had probably 7 or 8 of these attacks, after hurting myself from falling over during an attack, after having 20 to 30 minute times where I thought over and over that I was dying, I finally mustered the courage to talk to my doctor.

Let me assure you, this was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

I have established a really good relationship with my doctor. She's patient, amazing at her job, willing to try different things, one of the best listeners, and it helps that she's also a Christian.

But I was still so nervous.

The day I went in, I went under the pretense of a physical. I was shaking a little as I sat in the chair next to her and described what had been happening to me.

I told her about how I couldn't catch my breath during what I started calling An Attack, I sometimes felt like I was literally being crushed under the weight of some unknown force, I would cry uncontrollably, I would lash out at people around me with an anger that scared me, I would lose all control of my body to the point of falling over if I tried to stand or being unable to stop my hands from jerking and writhing.

I took a deep breath, tried to stop the tears from spilling over, and told her I felt like I was going to die every time it happened.

After that visit, after having my doctor confirm that I was experiencing an extreme form of panic or anxiety attack, I went on my first medication.

The first thing I tried was Xanax. And I hated it from the beginning. It did its job, I had less attacks, but that was because I constantly felt apathy. I felt like I was in a fog of emotions, and couldn't maintain a real mood or feeling. I despised it.

The second thing I tried was Diazepam, which is a form of Valium. It worked in that if I took it at the beginning of an attack, it usually kept my attack right under 15 minutes. It was a god-awful 15 minutes, but it was better than 30 minutes. So I still take Diazepam from time to time.

The third thing I tried was no medication. I tried yoga, I tried guided meditation, I tried different diets, I tried breathing exercises, I tried massages, I tried about every relaxation method in the books. All of it would make me feel great for a few hours, but the attacks still came.

The fourth thing I tried was ASMR. For those unfamiliar with this, it's videos that focus on sounds and visual aids for relaxation. Some people report getting what's referred to as Tingles when they hear certain sounds; I really just feel relaxed and safe. The most common sound is tapping, specifically fingertip or fingernail tapping on various objects. Other common ones that I've found work great for me are hand motion sounds, brushing hair sounds, crinkle sounds, and scalp massage sounds. ASMR doesn't stop an attack for me, but it can calm me down if I catch it quick enough, and it can just generally keep me relaxed during the evening / night when I'm most prone to attacks.

The fifth thing I tried was Buspirone, which is what I'm currently taking. Buspirone targets anxiety specifically, and doesn't have all of the mood side effects I felt while on Xanax. It doesn't keep me from having attacks completely, but if I take it regularly (twice a day), along with relaxation techniques and watching my diet and swimming regularly, it definitely helps.

So why am I writing all this down now? A couple of reasons.

I've been having attacks now for over a year and a half. I've had to come to terms with it and learn that it's something that happens to my body and my mind, not something that I've wished on myself. It's something that is scary, absolutely, but nothing to be ashamed about. I don't have to talk about it constantly, I don't have to talk about it at all if I don't want to, but I can't just wish it away. It's real and a part of my life. So I embrace it just like I try to embrace everything else about me.

I've also come to realize that maybe shedding some light on my struggles with this can help other people. I've been through a lot of medications and tips and tricks over the past year and a half, and while I've found what works specifically for me, maybe by talking about it more, I can offer some advice to others who might be at the beginning stages. I had my loving husband, my family (when I finally started talking about it), and my doctor to help, but what really helped me was research; hearing how other people who had attacks dealt with it. While I don't actually know anyone personally who has attacks, or at least not severe attacks like me, I did find solace and comfort in reading about people who did. Maybe I can be that for other people.

Lastly, I've realized over the past few months that while I can take medication to help and while I can be stricter on my diet and do relaxation techniques to keep me calm, I will still now and maybe forever have these attacks, or at least some form of severe anxiety. I need the people I have surrounded myself with to at least know if not understand what is happening to me in case I ever have an attack around them.

Robert is basically used to them by now. He knows a lot of the signs to look for, he knows to force me to take my Diazepam when I'm in the throws of an attack, he's learned how to cope with his wife having these. But so far, none of my friends or other family have been around for an attack.

However, a few months ago, I had an attack at the wedding of two dear friends. Sometimes there is no reason or rhyme to when and why I have an attack, I just do. And it took me having an attack in public like this to learn both how to deal with having an attack in public, and that I should probably let those closest to me know what is up.

Side note, I have now had three or four attacks in public, so I've learned to just break away when I feel an attack coming on. I don't think anyone at the wedding even knew I had an attack, thank goodness. I've had an attack in church and two at work, and always am able to get away before I cause a scene. So my saying I want people in my life to know doesn't mean I expect them to be an expert or even be present during my attack; I mostly just want people to know so if I start acting weird around you all of the sudden and excuse myself for about 15-20 minutes, you know why.

I don't want to downplay or dramaticize in any way what I'm doing through. It's scary, it's real, and it does still make me wonder if I'm going to die during an attack. But it's not my whole life or being, and it's not something I need to talk about all the time. The same goes for anyone who struggles with anxiety, attacks, or anything similar.

It's just a part of me that I want you to know about.

So now you know.