Day Whatever: The Rage Of Emotions

Hey, remember that time I said I was going to blog every day for 40 days, and then I did it? 

Yeah, me neither. 

Actually, I do. I'm just pretending I don't. 

That ended pretty quickly, really. I tried to keep up the pretense that I was still somewhat committed to that goal. But even that fell through. 

I tried, I really did. I would go to blog, and then just stare at a blank page for awhile, try to force myself to write something, remember how angry I get when I try to force myself to write when I don't know what to write, then close my computer dramatically, thinking that no one would notice if I didn't blog that day. 

Maybe not. But I noticed. 

Here's the thing I finally realized the other day: I'm not writing right now. And I'm doing that intentionally. 

I go through lots of phases where I don't write. I think every writer does at one point or another. 

But I don't think I've ever gone through a phase where I'm not writing because I don't feel worthy of writing. 

Which is where I am right now. 

Let me rephrase, or rewrite, or something with that. 

I want to be writing. Dear lord do I want to be writing. I know I was instilled with a lot of things when I was created by my Creator, and one of the big things I think I was instilled with was the need, not just a desire, to write. 

Write a schedule. Write a play. Write a short story. Write a letter. Write a work email. Write a brief. Write a scene. Write a sentence. 

Just write. 

Some people have music as their best friend. Some people have chocolate as their best friend. Some people have their husband or wife or cat as their best friend. 

I have words as my best friend. 

But I don't feel like I should right now. 

I don't feel worthy of words. 

I am a constant range of emotions these days. 

I actually first wrote out rage of emotions on accident, a typo. But the more I think of it, the more rage works better than range. 

I am a rage of emotions. 

I have the emotion of uselessness on a daily basis. I don't want someone to have to come up with things for me to do, I want to be busy. I want to be DOING things. I want to feel that if I didn't show up for the day, it would matter. 

I have the emotion of loneliness. A wonderful people person of a girl told me recently that marriage is not an automatic gift, that God doesn't give us a husband when we are good enough or following Him hard enough. If we would grow closer to God by having a husband by our side, if we could be even more impactful in God's will by being married, then it will be in His plan for us to be married. If we can do more to bring the glory of God to the world by being single, then we will be single. End of story. That is true. I want that to be true in my life. But that doesn't stop the ache of loneliness when so many people I know are being found by a love of a man. 

I have the emotion of anger. Anger because of the uselessness. Anger because of the loneliness. Anger because I don't appreciate this phase of life God is allowing me to walk through. 

I have the emotion of apathy. I'm too apathetic to pursue life. Sometimes that's just the honest truth. 

I have the emotion of tears. Yes, crying is an emotion all in its own. I think the older I get, the sappier I get. I cry at commercials these days [some commercials are just really sweet and powerful, okay?]. But I also get teary-eyed at beautiful sunsets. At church when people are feeling God's presence and uplifting their hands. At a kiss in a television show because the characters are just beautiful together and it finally happened. At a co-worker snapping a little too harshly. My tear ducts seem open and over eager to prove they work these days. 

I have all these emotions, and I feel like I need to get a better grip on them before I can approach words. 

This is not good. 

You do not want to be around me when I haven't written for several weeks. 

Writing is quite literally the only way I stay sane. 

Maybe that's why I haven't felt very sane the past few weeks. 

I know how to deal with lots of reasons for not writing because, as I said, I have been through them. 

I have been through the phases where I only write fan fiction. I know how to get over that. 

I have been through the phase where I just write plays. This is a phase I know to take in measures and strides and not pursue it too hard because I tend to get burned out most easily in this phase, so I have learned the tricks to this phase. 

I have been through the phase where I'm just too apathetic to write. This phase is the easiest: Go people watch for an hour with a notebook. I will come back with twenty story ideas, guaranteed, that I feel I must I must get out right there and then. 

I have been through the phase where everything I write is sad, where everything is too happy, where everything is just a sapfest, where everything is dark and twisted. I tend to know how to get out of these respective phases. 

But coming to write, trying to put pen to paper to come up with something real and raw, only to feel unworthy, like I don't deserve to write because I am a mess, this is a new one. 

So bear with me as I figure this one out. It may take awhile. 

Also. 

Sidenote. 

Welcome to my new obsession, friends. Be prepared for me to not be able to shut up about this.