For Your Laughing Pleasure

I love to swim.

Mostly because it's one of those places where I just let my brain play and don't block out any thoughts and just let myself do its thing.

Which means the thoughts my brain has while swimming make for some laughs.

For your laughing pleasure, here's an excerpt from my swim Friday.

This guy needs to stay on his side. 

Hey, mister best swimmer in the whole world, stay on your side. Also, don't give me that side glare. Just because I'm gasping for breath doesn't give you the right to judge. 

I wonder how childbirth feels. 

Five laps down. Five laaaaaaps doooooooown. Who awesome. 

I wonder if I'm a bad girlfriend. Wait, am I naggy? Do I nag? Is that my thing? 

JK, I'm the best girlfriend ever. 

I wonder if James Franco would say I am an angel not from this world like he did about Lana Del Ray. 

Jaaaaaames Franco. He strange. 

I wonder if I could cut off my own army like he did in that one movie. 

Come on, just nine laps to go. Just nine. You got this. Body. You got this. 

Oh god, why do I still have eight laps to go? I'm so tired. 

Oooh, mister best swimmer in the whole world is leaving. Bye. Miss you never. 

Ahhhhh, my own lane. Yuuuuus. This is the height of luxury. 

John Mulaney's funny. I wonder if he'd laugh at my jokes if I ever met him. 

What am I saying, of course he would. He would think I'm the funniest person ever. 

I funny. 

Would I make a good wife? 

Child, please don't pee in this pool. Please. Please. I'll give you whatever you want if you don't pee. 

Five laps to go. Just five. Five. That's like, nothing. You got this, body. 

That lifeguard is looking at me like he's worried I'm going to drown. 

I'm worried about that, too, lifeguard. 

But seriously, would I make a good wife? 

Legs are weird. 

Arms too. 

Last lap. Laaaast lap. 

You know, I could do three more. You got this body. 

Oh god, I don't got this. 

Doneskies! I am the master at swimming! 

I should never blog this conversation I just had with myself. 

JK, I'm blogging it tonight.